One of the most meaningful, deeply impactful parts of my trip last month was worshipping at my old church, The American Church in Paris. 

One Sunday, the pastor spoke on the words of Isaiah 40:3-5:

“A voice of one calling: ‘In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.’”

We were sitting in a big room, well, more like mini-cathedral, with maybe 60 people total. At the end of the message, the pastor had two sets of fathers and young daughters (maaaaaybe five years old) walk around with hand mirrors. I was sitting towards the back, so it took a while for me to figure out what they were doing.

Together they walked down each row and stopped at each person. I was already getting nervous — they don’t need to stop at me. What are they going to say? How is this going to go? Will they be able to climb over me when they go to the next person?!?

Then it was my turn. As the father helped his daughter shuffle over and hold the mirror up to my face, he whispered, “the glory of God is revealed in you.” 

It still makes me tear up. That’s kindness of God meeting me right where I am because what only God knew was that day and a number of days before, I had been struggling to feel at home in my own skin, and starting to increasingly dwell on how clothes don’t fit the same. The thoughts had pressed down heavy as I got ready that morning. 

Then here comes this father and his young daughter, carrying a mirror and whispering a deep and holy wonder: I carry the glory of God in my very being. Regardless of how I feel, in Him I live and move and have my being. I hope I never forget that encounter — with the church and with God. There is no end to His exacting practice of meeting the moment over and over again in my life. 

Which brings me to today. I went to my first counseling session one year ago today. 

I try not to be the person who talks about what her counselor told her in every conversation I have with every person ever. I try not to act like I’m the first person to experience this kind of guidance in my life. Like, OMG HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS NEW THING CALLED COUNSELING?! At the same time though, it was only thanks to friends and trusted voices in my life freely sharing their own experiences that I ever considered it for myself. So, if I can be that friend or voice for someone else, I welcome the chance gladly. 

I think I stayed away from counseling for a number of years because I thought my life experiences have been okay-enough that I probably didn’t need it. Honestly I was also afraid that we’d uncover some hideous truth about myself that then couldn’t be unknown. That a thread would be pulled and undo the entire sweater that is my life. Plus, it’s time and money and yeah, I’m probably fine on my own. 

Now I can see how that probably gives too much power to any single conversation and not nearly enough credit to the skills of a gifted counselor. Here’s what I’ve discovered: If I’m not ready to explore something about myself that comes up in one of our sessions, we don’t. It’s that simple. She goes at my speed and follows my lead with immense kindness and gentleness. And she has the most incredible way of following me down a twisty path of my thoughts and then finding a clearing for us to step into. 

Tell me why _____.

What if it’s not ____, but ____?

What would happen if you ____ ?

I’ve shared some things on her couch (amidst the pillows that I always move to the side) that I haven’t talked about anywhere else. As truly heart-pounding scary as the nano-seconds are when I weigh if I should really say what I’m about to say, what I’ve found is freedom and immense kindness and gentleness. From my counselor and myself.

I’m a little less wound up and a little freer than I was a year ago today. I’m remembering to approach things with curiosity and let myself be led by what I value most. The threads I’ve pulled so far have made me see myself — all the nesting doll stages and ages within — with more compassion and care. I’ve gained some understanding for how I react to certain moments and experiences. I have a deeper care for everyone I see around me. 

Most everyone who has experienced it will tell you: counseling is an investment — of time and money— and it’s more than worth it. I would tell you the same, but also that I believe there’s a right time for everything. I’m grateful not only that I listened to my friends as they shared their experiences, but also that I didn’t let fear stand in the way of me knowing I needed some help exploring the ideas and experiences I carry inside myself. 

As the father and daughter told me last month, the glory of God is indeed revealed in me. And on the days when I struggle to see it for myself, the kindness of counseling is helping me to believe it still.