This is not how it was suppose to go.

My plan was a layover of a month or two, maybe even three, but then it would be on, on, onnnnn to the Next Great Thing:  Paris Chapter 2 to be set in another unfamiliar but thrilling, sprawling city. The plan was a quick layover – the kind where you have just enough time to find your next gate and go to the bathroom…NOT the kind where you are forced to troll endless, identical terminals, so bored you ride the moving sidewalks for fun for hours upon hours. No, that was not my plan. Key word of course being my.

For reasons still outside my mind’s grasp, I am re-experiencing my hometown. Despite my best and most stubborn efforts, nine months post-grad, I’m still here; even more, I’ve put down roots in the form of new friendships with more people that I could have anticipated and while they are all still very new, I find myself already invested in them and praying for them to grow and mature. Getting to know people my age who chose Fort Worth on their own – it’s really interesting and I love learning about how they see the city – and their views are changing the way I see it too – so much so that I am to the point where I have no idea where I even wish to go anymore.

Life can be a lot easier when we don’t attach ourselves to others – we don’t have to reveal our hearts or risk the rejection that comes from putting ourselves out there. No attachment means we don’t have to give others our time or dive into their personal business. It allows us to do whatever we want, whenever we want, but that chosen isolation also means that we’re living in our own world instead of entering into others’. Shallow roots make for a much cleaner exit.

I’ll be honest and admit that some days, I question if I packed up and left Paris too quickly. I wonder if I did the wrong thing…Then I think about New York and how after Paris, it feels like a logical choice; pumping and pulsing with people and chaos, it’s America’s answer to my great love. This fall, I hit it off with its odd rhythm and left, despite the after-effects of Hurricane Sandy, wanting much more of it. Just the entertainment of a thought of lingering in Fort Worth is light years away from my original plan.

But while I’ve been aware of God prying my heart off of Paris these past few months, what I wasn’t noticing was His attaching of it to new people. And while adventure is what I dream of, all that my heart really, truly wants is to love people, tell their stories and honor my God. I think about Jesus and how His entire earthly life was lived in a compact region; how He sought out relationships instead of adventure and I wonder if I am looking at my own journey the wrong way. His eyes fixed on people, not places.

Much of my heart and independent spirit want to completely deny all of this – so much of what I’ve discovered about myself these past few years has been about me pushing myself into unknowns. I discovered that I love the thrill of doing things I never before imagined, that I l like being in places I’ve never seen before. So how can I even possibly think about now wanting to stand still in a place I know all too well? Yet at the same time, since I stumbled upon and admitted these feelings to myself and to God, I’ve felt lighter. Maybe Fort Worth 2.0 is meant for only a season, maybe my plans had to be totally demolished to clear my mind of stubborn resistance, maybe He’s just making my heart soft and my mind a clean slate for whatever’s to come…

I really have no idea, but you know what? Amongst all the questions that remain, I am experiencing a deeper solace than I have in months, the kind that fills me up wholly and fully. He’s worn me down…I’m now open to literally every option – and Fort Worth 2.0, that includes you.

—

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24